Dealing with Difficult People

Values in Conflict

As you can see, each person has their own set of values. The person who owns the first list might find the person who owns the second somewhat difficult to understand (though values can change)

• Where could there be some common ground?
• What pointers could Person 1 give to Person 2 about relationships if that became an issue for the latter?
• Can you see why Person 2 might find it hard to maintain long-term relationships?
• Why might person 1 feel awkward in some social situations which demand going with the flow?
• Why might procrastination become an issue for both of them?

Consider your first placings and your last. Of course all are important. What issues or situations demand a lot of your attention or cause you frustration in that list?

Example: Mary was often complaining that she couldn’t find a reliable partner with whom to settle down and have children. When evaluating her list she could see that her FOCUS was on freedom, travel, independence, autonomy. Marriage was low on her list of priorities and sharing wasn’t there at all.

Feedback that Sticks

Let’s say a colleague has been late every day this week. As a manager you have the task of telling him that this is not acceptable.

HINTS:

• Make the person to whom you are giving feedback the creator of the solution.

It is more likely they will stick to a solution they have created or else risk being seen as unreliable. Those who abhor following rules are also more likely to follow a suggestion or plan they propose and are responsible for than feel they are being ruled over or micro-managed.

• Make sure they fall within your acceptable agreements.

Naturally, the suggestions must fall within regulations or standard procedures, but look for what flexibility you can offer if their solution is a sound and workable one.

• Agree on a method of monitoring the new behaviour.

Put into place a way of seeing that the proposals are being carried out satisfactorily and dates and times to catch up with each other to see how the employee is performing.

By telling an employee what they do well you are encouraging and motivating them to do better. Transfer of these positive skills can then be made to the behaviour that is causing difficulty.

Handle with Care

KEN PIERCE, in his book Dealing with Difficult People, reminds us to examine how we are handling people, especially those who are proving difficult for us.

Ken suggests there are only 3 ways of dealing with anyone, carelessly, carefully or caringly. The first two undermine and destroy relationships , the latter being the only one that builds them. Let’s see why:

Careless is using communication that considers only your values: I’m right, it’s my way or no way. From this, we can be perceived as insensitive or arrogant.

Careful is where you speak in terms of only the difficult person’s values, but ignore your own. This can be seen as one not believing in your oneself.

Caring is where you communicate your values inside their values. When you have no attitude except ‘my values are right for me and yours are right for you, so how can we find a balance between them?

When we are caring for a person we exhibit the following intentions:

• Acceptance
• Encouragement
• Listening
• Negotiations
• Respect
• Support
• Challenge