The Fine Line Between Assertiveness And Aggression

After taking a course on assertiveness training, many people are so enthused and invigorated by their new assertive powers that they can sometimes be in danger of overkill - and stepping over the line into aggressive behaviour.

Aggression is counter-productive and doesn't ever get people on your side, whereas to maintain an assertive attitude is usually good in most business scenarios. The feeling that one shouldn't be a pushover tends to come with new assertive powers and we often forget that these need to be tempered, and that even assertiveness isn't always the answer to every situation (if two people maintain their assertive stance all the time, they'll never agree or back down, thus producing a stalemate).

Here are some tips on becoming aware when you're in danger of getting into aggressive territory, so you can rein yourself in appropriately.

1. Don't forget your manners

Assertive people remember to say please, thank you and are gracious - aggressive people aren't. Even if you're asking for something forcefully, think about the difference. Does "Get the mail" sound anywhere near as polite as "could you get the mail, please?". One is just plain rude, and that's a symptom of aggression. Remember your manners. People are people and not merely chess pieces that have to be manoeuvred by force in order to get the result you want. They also have their own agenda and goals, and this is where negotiation and compromise can be combined with assertiveness.

2. Backing off is sometimes the only way to move forward

It sounds counter-productive, however backing off - not giving in, but compromising - can be much more affective to achieve a goal rather than bulldozing your way to get the result you need, often aggravating people in the process.

Before you decide to use assertiveness to painstakingly achieve your goal, allow the other party to explain theirs (often assertively too!). Sometimes, backing off now and giving a compromise will allow you to "call in the favour" later down the line when it's more crucial.

For example, if an employee wants a day off at short notice during a project and you'd rather not allow it, think about allowing it in order to secure a return favour in the future where you could ask them to work overtime when it's closer to the deadline - which is better all round for the business.

3. Signs you're tipping into aggression

There are other signs that can be non-verbal that cross the line between assertiveness and aggression. Raising your voice is almost always aggressive and should be avoided. Take notice of your body language. Are you standing, looming over someone sat in a chair or "in their face"? Even if you don't realise you're doing it, this is aggressive behaviour. Folded arms, pointing at someone's face, or turning your back to them while speaking is all arrogant and aggressive rather than gently assertive.

Be self-aware, and you can stop your new-found assertive powers working against you rather than for you.