How to say ‘no’ assertively
If you are a passive person, there is one word that strikes fear into your heart, and because of this it rarely appears in your personal dictionary. It’s a difficult but short message – the word ‘no’. If you are passive, you prefer to be a ‘yes’ person, a people pleaser. Your aim is to avoid confrontation with others, and sayings such as ‘anything for a quiet life’ and ‘don’t make a scene’ trip easily off your tongue.
So what’s the problem?
Once people realise you are passive, they will take advantage of your good nature. They will know they can dump work on you and you won’t fight back or even question it. They will get used to hearing ‘Ok, no problem. Leave it there and I’ll do it later’. But you end up with the in-tray from hell and you never get to go home on time! You will also get very stressed and will begin to suffer.
Your self-esteem and dignity will be around your ankles and you won’t like yourself very much. As a trainer, I have delivered many stress management and assertiveness training sessions and the vast majority of attendees are passive and need help! Also, what people don’t realise is that every time they take advantage of your passive nature, they are adding to the frustration which is accumulating inside you, and you will reach a point where you can take no more.
You will lose control and explode with rage, and once the outburst is over, you will feel utterly ashamed and full of regret. This is where the expression ‘it’s always the quiet ones’ comes from.
The answer is: learn to be more assertive!
If the prospect of saying ‘no’ fills you with terror, then don’t say it – negotiate instead! Assertive people don’t say no unless they absolutely have no alternative, and even then it’s a ‘no, because…’ Always support the ‘no’ with the reasons behind it, so people can understand. Honesty is always the best policy, so let’s not make promises we know we cannot keep just to make people happy – it will come back to haunt you later!
Empathy is a useful technique to use at the beginning, for example ‘I understand that you need this doing by 4pm today, however with my current workload..’ or ‘I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but it won’t be possible…’ Next, offer options and alternatives for them to consider, for example ‘I understand you need me to work late tonight, but I cannot. However, I’m happy to come in early tomorrow morning if that helps’ or ‘it won’t be possible to finish this by 4pm, but I can have it ready by 5pm’.
The key message here is that I want to help, but what you’re asking just isn’t possible. But I can do this, or this – which one would you like?
Consider this: nobody is saying ‘no’ – we’re just agreeing on a different ‘yes’! A ‘yes’ that is acceptable to both parties. You can say no to now, but yes to later. In the end, everyone wins – we just need to agree on the running order!
Conclusion
Many people have problems saying the word ‘no’ when they really should, and as we have discovered there can be consequences. The solution is to be more assertive – stand up for yourself, whilst treating others with respect. If it’s a definite no, then make it a ‘no, because…’ and give reasons, but where there are other possibilities, you should negotiate.
Find a way forward on your terms as well as theirs – you’ll feel a lot better! And remember, nobody said no, we just agreed on a different yes. It works for me!